Lostmnesia.....a process with some victories

I don't want anyone to think that just because I've had a short story and a feature magazine article published this month that I think I'm a rock star or some kind of super hero. But what really does deserves a pat on the back is that I overcame the limitations I placed on myself long enough to finally make something happen with that writing.

First off, Lostmnesia was rejected by twenty four literary magazines. Twenty-four. Twenty four times, I had to read why someone thought my story was good but needed just a little of this or a lot of that or just wasn't right for them at this time.  That's a little like: it's not you, it's me, so let's just be friends.

And then there are all the literary magazines that just plain ignored me. I didn't even get the closure that at least comes with a rejection.

If it wasn't for my supportive friends in my writing group - Writing Safety Tree - and my amazing husband, my writing wouldn't have happened.

Some of us couldn't come because of mommy duties but from top
left to right we have Laurel Janssen Byrne, Julie Gardner,
Charlene Ross, me, Kim Tracy Prince and Lexi Rohner

Writers (or me) are very sensitive people. So everything can hurt. But you have to be sensitive to pick up on the little things and then process them well enough to articulate what happened to complete strangers. Or friends. Or family.

It all starts with sorting through the feelings in your own head though. And that can be a sticky uncomfortable mess. You don't know what's in there or where it's been or who's touched it. Ick. I think maybe that's why many people stay away from it.

But then there are the masochists brave ones who insist on not only touching it but sorting through it and putting it together in an orderly fashion so that the next person might better be able to sort through their own sticky mess. I think that's what writers try to do. Or, I guess, what I try to do. Organize then inspire.

But then there are the mean voices. You may or may not have them in your head but the ones in mine do two things when I finally decide I'm going in. First they say, hey, look at all the stuff you have to do, like dishes and ordering prints for that summer album, before you can sit down and waste your time with your trivial writing pursuits. Then they say, you have nothing to say anyway and even if you did, you don't know how to say it in the right way.

Everytime.

I didn't used to have the strength to show up and write anyway. Well, maybe only in my journal but then I'd worry that someone would find it and I'd be exposed. But if the planets did align and I did actually find myself in front of my computer (avoiding Facebook) and actually getting some thoughts down - finding that kernel of truth inside that chaotic spin - the result inside my body after was almost orgasmic. Yes, it's that kind of high. Overcoming fear, deciphering the noise and putting together a tangible sentence leaves me walking on a euphoric cloud.

So, why can't I gather, to the forefront of my consciousness, all these fantastic memories of feeling just that and know that all I have to do is show up and sit down? Because the mean voices are louder than any others I can muster on my own. And it wasn't until I met my husband, who tries to drown out those mean voices with praise, that I started to suspect their lies. And it wasn't until I joined my writing group  that I no longer felt destined to share a lifelong prison cell, inside my head, with those mean voices.   I found out those voices live within every writer in our group. So, together, we lock hands and refuse to let them scare us anymore.

And, that's the real victory. It's not that I've had two things published this month. No, the victory is despite the roadblocks my own head has put up to deter myself from doing the only thing in my life (besides motherhood) that I've desired with my full heart, I've managed to break through with the help of my friends and the love of my husband.

So I guess that's the point. We are stronger together than we are alone.

It's still a challenge sometimes (um, especially now that there are kids in the picture who consider me their on call servant 24/7) but it's less so today than yesterday.

So, if you love something, go find someone that also loves that something and do it together. It's the miracle of communal creation. No one achieves anything alone.

And if you want to read my new short story, you can find it here. And if you want to leave a comment on their website to tell them what you thought of the story, you will have my eternal gratitude (well, only if you actually liked it, ha ha).

LA Parent photoshoot - the UNCUT version!

I was honored this month to be published by LA Parent Magazine.

It's the story towards the top of the page about Dating Your Husband. The article is based on a post I wrote for this blog called Secret Dates and if you haven't run out and raided your local Vons, Pavilions, Gelsons or library for a print copy of the February issue.....you could read it here (and leave a comment if you want to make me look good, I mean, help others with some great ideas of your own, ha ha). But it's so much more fun to see it in print. For me anyway.

I had thought there was a possibility that we would even be on the cover because they sent out this very talented photographer, Jodye Alcon, who took countless pictures of the families that were able to come to the park for the shoot. This is the photo they used in the magazine:

I think we look a little like a soap opera

So this isn't going to be about romance or relationships - well maybe a little. This is going to be  the UNCUT, behind the scenes version about the lovely group of people whose experiences helped shape my first magazine feature article. 

First off, it was a lot of kids.

And they weren't all exactly listening.

And they had some feelings.

But Mommy-extrodinaire, Jen Press had a bright idea.....

It was actually a bright blue idea.....

yes, their mouth are blue

Which got their attention.....but may have not been the best strategy right before picture time.....

However we got it done as you saw from the first picture.

And, I was obviously very excited and in the wee hours of the morning before we were to meet at the park for this photoshoot, I had some great ideas for some fun pictures.

First, I wanted all the guys to wear aprons.

Don't they look handsome?

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised at the eventual mutiny.

I also thought it'd be cute for the girls to have roses, you know, to symbolize romance. We like flowers right?

Maybe just not in our mouths, yuck.

I really wanted to impress the editors with my creativity. So we went for the Charlie's Angels look.

I think we look very intimidating....or confused....why are we trying to look scary with roses again?

And then we started taking pictures of the families individualy, which was really fun so go with me here....

Terri Harrah used to be my roommate in Santa Monica when we went to CSUN. I majored in Journalism and she in Drama.

she really is quite dramatic

Terri is a down to earth, true blue friend. She cares about the planet, treating other people with kindness and dignity and homeschools her two boys Truman and Ethan.

Ethan, 6 and Truman 9

And she is happily married to her (working) musician husband, James Harrah. They prioritize their relationship because they know it all starts with them.

Maybe Jen Press is such a quick witted parent because nature has forced her to be so. She is a work-outside-the-home mom to three boys. She's also a lot of fun. I don't get to see her as often as I like. (One of her most memorable sayings is "Only floss the teeth you want to keep." Yes, she's a dental hygenist.)

Zach, 6 is between Trevor and Dylan, 4 - who are TWINS

God bless her. Did I mention that her husband Jeff is helping to open restaurants all over the country, called Firehouse Subs so he travels A LOT. Good thing she is patient and takes the time to plan outings that keep their fires kindled (oh and yes, they like to camp a lot too).

I don't know how they make it look so easy

Laurel Janssen Byrne is a writer too. She is writing her own life story with strokes of compassion as she is the gal to go to if you need a little TLC fix, and some steely nerve. I keep forgetting she's not from NYC because she and her husband Matt are so edgy. No, not cranky just so off the cuff honest with each other and the world. It's refreshing.

Yin and Yang - such a perfect fit

And they make cute kid.

good thing she is cute cuzz this couple is ONE AND DONE

And of course, there was my family.

Kyle wasn't here because he went surfing this day

And my guys were unusually patient and smiled on cue.

brotherly love (rare moment)
Kaleb, 5 - loves rainbow loom, dodge ball and bey blades
Knox, 3 - loves his doggie blanky, all sports and homemade biscuits

So thank you to the awesome families that were brave enough to share their stories and hopefully inspire couples to reboot their love lives....bring the sizzle back to their fizzle....make love not war. OK, I'll stop. But here again are the lovely families who make my life so much better by being in it. Thank you again.....

Two other families couldn't make it to the park this day (it was after all New Year's Eve day) so I just want to acknowledge and thank them too for sharing their stories.....

Morgan and Todd Addab (not their real name, ha ha) couldn't come because Todd had to work. Todd and Howard used to be fraternity brothers (insert the Animal House soundtrack here because I'm sure it applies) and their friendship has travelled the circuitous route that our lives sometimes take and has brought them together again at a time when our families are child compatible. And how many of our friendships end up being based mainly on this criteria? But in this regard we got lucky and I just love his wife Morgan who is one of the most gracious and kind people I've met.

Jon Jr., 20, Morgan and Todd, Justin, 5

Nicole and Danny Baraz are the hip element of this article. Oh the days when we were hip.....

Danny and Nicole, Mason (now 9) and Odessa (now 6, but gosh arent' they the cutest!)

Thanks for reading and I hope you find the article useful or helpful in some way. Even if your relationship is solid and you couldn't squeeze more romance into it, at least there are some great date ideas! Now, go and spread that love! And Happy Valentine's day!

The Chair

This is the chair I have lived with for over 8 years.

It's the chair that I have come to accept as a practical part of my life. It's not my style but it's functional and there's no reason to go out and buy another chair since this one works. At least that's what I've been telling myself for 8 years.

There's a bit more to this story than just a functional chair. This chair used to belong to my husband's deceased wife. Her passing, 14 years ago,  is a tragedy. It is one that we all live with, in subtle ways, everyday. I've done many things around the house that I inherited from her, things to make living here not feel like I am living in someone else's life. The living room has been remodeled, painted and shifted. The dishes have mostly been replaced. The bedroom furniture (and mattress) is new.....except for, of course, the chair.

I didn't understand how much it bothered me. I realize now that, unconsciously, I used to picture her sitting in it and getting ready for her day, bantering with the husband we now share and laughing with the child she had to leave behind. In a way, the chair is her anchor to the new life I've tried to create with my husband and my little boys and, of course, the boy she had to leave behind. But for some reason, I didn't have the guts to get rid of it. Maybe, my reluctance was my way of letting her hold on to her grip to the most intimate part of my house. Maybe, in some small part of me, I felt guilty.

I finally shared the meaning of the chair with my husband one night.

He was surprised. He had thought I had brought the chair with me when I moved in. He had no recollection of it previously at all. He asked why I hadn't said anything sooner. I couldn't really answer past the tears clouding my vision.

This past Monday I celebrated my birthday. I love birthdays. I've decided that as we grow older, every year should be a party to celebrate that we're still here, that we still get to enjoy the gifts we've been given and resolve, in the next year, to become yet even better versions of ourselves.

My husband waited until the end of the day to give me his gift. I could tell he was up to something when I tried to go into our room and the door was locked. OK, honey, I called out. I have no idea what you're up to, wink, wink, I said to him through the door, laughing to myself that he always waited until the last minute to do these things.

Then the door opened and I rushed in to get something I needed for one of the boys. I stopped right in my tracks. And this is what I saw:

And I started to cry. Because, he heard me.

Babysitters 101

OK, you're convinced ~ after my last compelling post ~ that you need to amp up your love life. Yes....with your husband! It'll be good for you, your hubby and most of all your kids, who will see their parents in love and will then, in turn, choose someone to marry who embodies that ideal and who they will expect to looooove their entire lives. One of the whole points of a happy life, right?

(Or. If you're single, then you need someone to give you an occassional break so you can have an adult conversation, a girl's night out and maybe even meet the actual Mr. Right instead of that guy that was pretending to be him.)

But. Who will watch the kids while you paint the town in crimson hearts accompanied by harps and violins? (Or shake that groove thang in your sequin capris?) If your family lives far away, or is just not available, you may have to find a babysitter. But, is it really worth the effort?

I have one friend who told me, a few years ago, when I shared with her that I had gone on a date with my husband at a time when my kids were still pretty little that she and her husband hadn't gone out in years. She said their dates consisted of sitting on the couch and maybe watching a movie on TV. I found out recently that they've since divorced. He cheated with ~ then married ~ her best friend, who went out all the time, ha ha.

OK, that's an extreme example. But it does happen.  Maybe we don't divorce immediately but those of us who don't put energy into our relationship can languish in a murky sea of boredom and dissatisfaction. Who wants that? And it's scary to think that every 13 seconds a couple does divorce.

If getting a sitter is the solution to a harmonious household or a merry, mellow mommy, then what are we waiting for?

Here's the how-to list....

Ways to find a babysitter:

• Ask around
• Check babysitting websites: Sittercity or Care are good bets and you can even run background checks
• Jen's List is also a great resource

The first thing you can obviously do, is ask around. Which of your friends has someone whom they love? That can be a little tricky though. Because, if you start using them on a regular basis it could cause a conflict with your friend's babysitting needs. This actually happened to me. I was so excited about my sitters that I started sharing their information with everyone that might need one including all my MOMs Club friends ~ which meant she could never babysit when I needed her. So ideally it would be best to find your own sitter. And only share her info with very close friends who will sign in blood not to use her on the nights you need her. One gal I did find from a friend (who wasn't using her much), Emily, is this amazing 16 year old who works 3 part-time jobs ~ between school ~ with great enthusiasm. When I asked her how much she would charge to watch my kids, she said it didn't really matter because she loved hanging out with kids so much. Really? Wow.

I've also had great luck in two places online: Sittercity and Care. I prefer Sittercity but I'm not sure why. I've just had better luck there, I guess. When I first tried Sittercity I found a wonderful sitter, Tabitha. I was 6 months pregnant and already had an 18 month old boy who wanted to do anything except sit and listen. Mommy's swollen feet just weren't up for the chase so Tabitha was able to help me 2x a week. (Mommy was not feeling up to dating daddy too much at that point). Tabitha moved on to a more regular position as a nanny but now I have three other great gals in rotation (because when you need someone, you need someone). One of my sitters, Desiree is a volunteer fighfighter EMT who is in nursing school. Total tomboy, loves to play with my rambuncious boys. Another, Lindsey was president of her high school and is now studying PR at Boston University. She sits for us in the summers when she's back home (like now!). And the third, Allison (the one my friends stole) works at the CA Cartwheel Center and is studying to be an Occupational Therapist. 

These girls are more qualified to watch my kids than I am!

When you place an ad online, you can get many responses. Do yourself and them a favor and listen to your gut. You don't have to interview them all. If she seems flaky on the website, she's probably even worse in person. And if the picture she submitted shows her partying with her friends, you might consider passing on that one too. Do an initial phone interview before you meet in person. Make sure she can accomodate your scheduling needs. If you decide to have her come meet you, have her bring a casual resume with a list of references. You have to ask for this because most won't think to do this and time is a-wasting! it's a good idea to have the kids there while you talk to her so you can see how she interacts with them. It's a great sign if she offers to help you with whatever comes up while you're talking to her i.e. she helps distract one of the kids while you answer the phone or includes your child in a quick conversation. You want her to actually like children. The caretaker websites offer a list of suggested questions for the interview. Scan the ones that are important to you, like: what would you do if my child got hurt while you were watching them and how would you handle it if one brother tried to impale the other with his lightsaber? You know. The usual.

You can also try Jen's List, which is btw, an amazing, free, local resource for parents who like to do stuff with their family. Jen's List has a seperate section for nannies and babysitters referred by other Jen's List subscribers so you have a built-in reference and they're usually willing to talk to you and answer any questions you may have about their posting. And if they're taking the time to post, then you know they love her.

You'll know right away if a girl is a good fit for your family. Don't feel guilty if she's not. Just be polite and thank her for coming. During one of my babysitter searches, I couldn't win between the aspiring models who showed up to the interviews in stage make-up to the dominatrix who showed up in thigh-high stiletto boots. To play with kids, really? (she looked normal in her picture) But this last round, every girl was a winner. 

In my babysitting job ads, I ask for someone who will play with the boys instead of watch TV with them. I ask for someone who is willing to do small chores around the house while the boys sleep. Things like, laundry, folding clothes, dishes, straightening stuff up and restoring the play area to it's original (or better) condition. All the girls that work for me, do all of this. Yes, they're college girls so you have to actually ASK them to do the things you want done. Don't set yourself up for disappointment by assuming it will just be done when you get home. Say things like, "I would so love it if you could fold the laundry when the boys go down." And, "It would really, really help me if you could do all the dishes and wipe the counters when you have time." You have to ask and if you ask with sweet enthusiasm, you'll feel better about it and so will they.

How much should you charge? And what should you have her do? Now this part is purelly a subjective call. Babysitters are asking outrageous amounts to play with your kids and watch TV while they sleep. For some reason, they think they are entitled to it because having them at your house is worth a lot of money. To them at least. I've found that the babysitters who ask for more than $12 an hour are usually too entitled to even do a good job for me. 

I pay most of my sitters $10 an hour. One gets $12. And they are happy with that. Yes, I usually give a little more at the end of the night, for instance, I round up from the hour in which we came home. Or just give her a $5 or $10 bump if it's close to the end of the hour. But the agreement is for $10 an hour and that's how you weed out the hard workers from the entitled ones. You don't want an entitled girl. No one is going to make a living from babysitting for you, it's just extra money so don't feel like you need to support them. And going out shouldn't run you $500 by the end of the night. It's a tough economy.

Check her references if you like her and if she shines, put her in your smartphone. That way you have a string of girls and you can know in minutes whether they are available or not the day or night you need them.

Those are the basics, at least, for me. Did I forget something?

Secret Dates

Remember the drum circle beating inside your tummy, the feet running around your room trying to find the perfect outfit, the make-up so meticulously applied all in anticipation of that evening date with your special sweetheart? Then you married him. And all these years later, what happened? You still love him but now when you see him you’re running past each other, hair barely brushed (hoping you remembered to at least clean your teeth as you graze a fleeting kiss across his cheek), sweat pants hanging, yelling “Get off your little brother!” or screeching at your teenager not to forget her lunch.

            It’s not how you thought your love life would look before you married your Prince Charming. But between dishes and homework and carpools, what can we do? How do we go back and do we really want to?

Yes. Yes, you do want to go back and you really want to. Maybe you can’t be those swinging singles able to drop everything for a spontaneous out of town rendezvous  but you can still get excited, you can still appreciate one another and you can get those drums in your tummy beating again. But how? You may ask, between mouthfuls of a hastily put together lunch in the middle of the afternoon or right before finally clocking out at the end of the day after every person in your house has had their needs met.

I’ll tell you. Between my three active boys, two part-time jobs and a half-way put together house, my husband and I have gone past the conversations crowded with irritated undertones of “why are you doing it that way instead of the good way?” and into a space where hands linger on each other’s fingers as we walk by and kisses happen in the middle of the room, just because. 

We do something we call Secret Dates.

Yes, with each other. This is how it works: Every week one of us takes turns planning an evening and doesn’t tell the other what is in store for them until we arrive at our destination.

So simple. And yet completely transformative because it turns an otherwise blah blah occasion into an adventure full of suspense and intrigue. When’s the last time you had suspense and intrigue in your mommy life?

The last secret date we had was a lot of fun. It was his turn to plan and believe me, he’s getting better at this. First we went to a Peruvian Restaurant in Pasadena. This was improvised. He knew the area well enough to know there would be several options close to the actual venue where he was taking me. So Peruvian Choza Mama caught our eye. They welcomed us like family which I love in a restaurant. There was a live celloist/guitar player softly setting the scene in the spacious earth toned room, the drinks were local to the area and the food was dressed in savory spices.

Then we walked over to the main event. He led me to the Pasadena Playhouse to see a play by an author I enjoy, Mitch Albom. He called it Duck Hunter Shoots Angel. 

First of all, of all the things he could have picked, he picked a play. As I looked at the marquee, my mind started to jump up and down, clapping in glee.  

At one point in our relationship, this type of activity was about as far from his thing as things could get. We have had many "discussions" over the years about him putting more effort into making our relationship a priority, into me having to do "everything" when it came to making plans for us and why couldn't he just be more romantic in general? 

 So, here I am staring at this play poster feeling so loved and cared for. I looked up into his eyes and he smiled down at me with pride. "Honey, you picked a play?" I asked incredulously. And he tried to sound very matter of fact, it's a no big deal kind of thing when he said, "Of course. I knew you liked him and I thought it'd be fun." Yay! I hugged him and we went up the stairs and proceeded to laugh out loud in a theater small enough to see the faces of the actors and big enough to host a very talented cast. The play spoke to our basic desires for love and redemption in the same way that Albom's books managed to snag a part of our souls while we read them.

Last week, when I planned the date, we went to the Stonehaus for dinner and then to see my childhood favorite, Grease playing locally (which was a great change for us from having to schlep over the hill). But the point of these Secret Dates - besides the thrill of the surprise - is also supposed to be sharing what one of us really loves with the other. No arguments, no compromise because done is done.

So when he went out of his way to make me happy instead of satisfying his own needs, that to me was an unequivocal show of love. And it made me a better person because now I really want to find something that will make him as happy as he made me and if the competition is now about who can make the other happier, how can that be anything but good?

This just shows that even things that start out as mischevious acts of selfishness could blossom into beauty if watered with the right amount of love. Because this did indeed start out as a selfish way to get my needs met after we first started dating. I planned our first Secret Date when I decided he needed a haircut but we had just started dating and it was too soon to suggest such a drastic step. So, instead, I concocted this idea of taking him on a Secret Date which included us getting haircuts and mani/pedis. It's a wonder he continued to want to date me after that! But at least he knew what he was signing up for and I can definitely say after knowing each other for almost a decade, we have both become a better person as a result of our love for each other, warts and all.

So, now that you've heard our sappy tale, I'd love to know what you do to keep your relationship vital and exciting?